***DISCLAIMER: Long Post!***
So after class on Tuesday, I had little time to prepare for my peer meeting on Wednesday evening. I was very unsuccessful in keeping up with my action plan/steps for the past weekend. I had planned to write down my food plan for the week, follow the plan and allow ONE treat for the week.
It just so happened that I was out of town all last weekend at a wedding (where food and temptation run wild). Being out of a strict routine made it harder to stick to a plan, and the celebration of the wedding made it tough to have just ONE sweet treat. Then later in the week came the anxiety, which triggered the eating... I also did volunteer to make sweets for an event I organized, and from making those sweet treats came way too much taste testing!
I gave my peer partner full disclosure regarding my obstacles and "progress" for the past week. As I eluded to before, I know the 5 pounds itself does not mean anything, and instead my peer partner guided me to further introspection.
I opened up admitting my fear of food. Why do I fear food? Because I fear losing control. Food is one thing I can control, but the funny thing is more often than not I lose control over eating. How interesting is that, that the one thing I try to control is where I place my value/worth? If I can regulate my eating then I am good and if I binge and lose control then I am bad. Not surprisingly, the challenge to think back to childhood came up, and again I mentioned food, sweets specifically as my source of comfort.
Unexpectedly, my peer partner asked me if I even considered a sweet as a reward instead of a comfort. I had to ponder that one. No, I have never considered a treat a reward, I've always considered dessert a source of shame when I go too far, which leads to feelings of guilt and self- disgust. In fact, I have always frowned on people who consider a sweet a reward, because I feel that it trains people to crave sweets far too much. I've even told my husband that we will not be enticing our future children to finish their broccoli by promising a cookie.
Backing up, if it isn't obvious now then allow me to point it out. My desire to lose weight and control my eating is fueled by my lack of self acceptance. Saying my truth did not resonate completely in my heart, instead it allowed more insecurities and doubt to surface. Through my peer coach's questions (they are fantastic!) I determined that instead of rewarding myself with a sweet for a specific action completed, I should work on self acceptance by rewarding myself with a treat simply for being a "good" person. (I came to my own conclusion based on their powerful questions- the mark of a great coach!)
They also challenged me to name positive traits about myself. Why is that so hard? Why do I freeze when asked that question? I discovered that I even just start to list what other people say about me instead of naming positive traits that I feel I possess. So the plan for this week is to follow the food plan and reward myself with a treat daily. The reward is because I deserve it, because I am a good person.
I unconditionally love and accept myself.
After my meeting with the lady on Wednesday, we continued emailing back and forth and I asked her to send the list of names of the books she mentioned during our lunch. One particular book stood out to me, because she had mentioned that this book focused on healing ourselves from out past, which is something I've been trying desperately to do.
Born to be Free, by Tom Vermillion was the book that stood out to me. I have not purchased the book (yet) but I was able to look at the reviews on Amazon (sometimes you get lucky and someone will write a complete summary in their comments). After searching through several reviews I landed on one that has completely changed me.
"The best chapter in here is one I just read about curses. Did you know we can speak curses over ourselves with any negative self talk we say? I always KNEW that was so powerful and so destructive.
Other people can also curse us such as if a parents says "I wish you had never been born!" They then just cursed their kid. Literally :( Sad but true.
The good news is though that these curses can be broken through prayer, praise Jesus!
If anyone has ever cursed you or you have inadvertently cursed yourself pray aloud, "By the power and blood of Jesus I declare that.....whatever was said....has no power over me anymore. I declare that that bond is broken. In the name of Jesus. And I declare that I can have the abundant life Jesus speaks of. Amen!"
And it's very important you say that aloud! Very. That is what you can say aloud for any curse you may have had said over you and that you may have said to yourself. If you have ever said to yourself that you will never do something, you cursed yourself. If you ever said you were fat or ugly or not talented, you cursed yourself. So be very careful what you say to yourself. And BREAK THOSE BONDS right now! In the name of Jesus"
I read that over and over and over again. It really struck a chord inside of me until I finally felt compelled to say that prayer aloud.
I said it once for the names I was called as a little girl.
I said it again and again for the names and the way I treat my adult self.
It become an emotional experience (such is part of a transformation powered by the Holy Spirit). I began to release the bonds these negative words had on me saying this over and over and again louder and more hysterical than the time before.
Finally, I stopped. Sat in the silence of what I just said and noticed how I felt. I am not exaggerating or joking when I say that in those quiet moments after my proclamation, I felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I physically felt lighter.
It's been a few days since then. My attitude about myself has changed. My self acceptance and self love is growing and I am beginning to appreciate me for me and notice all of the beauty around me and value I carry.
For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession. Deuteronomy 7:6
My peer partner said something that made an impact on me (this happened before I looked at anything about the book), and it seemed to be really important so I wrote it down. (Little did I know that this would foreshadow an experience that I was about to have).
"When you allow yourself to just be, then your brain will stop fighting against you."
In those moments after I said those things out loud I allowed myself to just be, and indeed my brain did stop fighting against me.
Food is fuel for the body. It is not "Good" or "Bad", it just is. Sweets don't seem to hold the power they once had over me. I just feel different.
The title of this post is from a song that I hear frequently on the radio. It carries so much more meaning to me now.
I challenge you to think of the negative self-talk you heard from someone or told yourself and pray that by the power and blood of Jesus those words lose their power and no longer have a hold on you so you are free to live the abundant life planned for you.
But everything exposed by the light becomes visible- and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. Ephesians 5:13
Romans 9 is also about Sin's power being broken. I encourage you to read it for more on breaking the bonds of sin and going through a complete transformation.
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